Crow Shit

Freaking crow's piss me off

They serve no purpose in this world, quite literally. I mean, look at them. They are freaking scavengers and all that they do in life is while away time and feed off garbage bins. They have evolved quite extensively after living in the city for so long I guess.

Invariably, they've figured out a knack to only find a way to perch their freaking assess just above bikes and cars and they always let go only if they are confident it'll land on someone's tank or seat.

Like what the fuck man.. I don't know how many times I've had to tend to their shit piles on my bike. The worst part is, during summers, these mofos will take a crap on my tank and the sun will bake the fucking shit in. Then it becomes like acid and starts corroding the paint when you try rubbing it off with a wet cloth in the evening.

Not only do you have to scrub like mad, but you have to discard that cloth that you sneakily hide under your tank after using it on the crow's crap. Another good plan though is to steal someone else's cloth. But that's just cruel cause the crow might take a crap on his bike as well and then he'll be left with nothing. But who cares.

Also, I hate the way they go "kaa kaa". I mean, that's such a fuck all sounding thing. Its weird too that all crows the world over don't go "kaa kaa". I've heard them in Australia and in a small town near Amsterdam and the fuckers sound different there.

But they still mark their targets with 98% accuracy and still manage to get on my nerves!
BASTARDS!

Things still piss me off..

Even after all these days, you'd be surprised to know, that things still piss me off :)

Like the sorry state of affairs that we still live in.

Or me recently finding out, thanks to a certain episode of Dispatches - Terror in Mumbai, that the Indian Intelligence was listening in on the conversations of the terrorists since the time they landed on our shores. They even knew exactly what they were upto and how everything was being blown out of proportion by the media and yet they sat there and did nothing to stop it.

What defeats me is why information couldn't flow from one dept to the other in time. I am sure the outcome would have been a lot different if it had.

Oh geez, will try and post more often. If time permits obviously.

Who cares, no one is listening :P

Missed a Spot

How bad can your aim really be huh?
You tell me man, bloody shit.

So yesterday I was at work, doing my job and all and it was raining here in Mumbai. Now I dont usually have a strong urge to pee or anything when I am at work. Even when I was in school, I never really used to take pee breaks. It just never was something that I was fascinated to do. Some of my classmates would find the need to pee some 20,000 times in a year atleast. Which is a lot, considering we're still in school.

So, even without having any "much" practice, I still dont think I'll goto a loo and mess it up man. Like its a huge commode right. Big enough atleast and I dont think that my aim is so bad that i'll pee all around the fucking commode.

Some retard who used the loo yesterday before I did sprayed all over the place man. On the wall, on the toilet paper, on the sink, everywhere. Like what the fuck... How can you miss so badly. Like its fine if one or two droplets trickle or something just in front of the commode, but this guy had gone berserk in there.

The worst part is, when I came running out, there were 2 other guys waiting to use the loo. Now, unfortuantely for me, they'd think it was me who made the mess.

NOT ONLY DID I NOT GET TO PEE, I AM SURE I AM NOW LOOKED DOWN UPON BY ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO THINKS I HAVE MORE THAN ONE PEE HOLE :(

Fucking retard who cant pee in the pot piss me off!!

Like Yuck!!

I couldnt help myself.
This has got to be written about even though I am very very busy with work and all that shit.

So i started working at a studio recently and boy oh boy do these places throw up surprises.
We're a state of the art studio and all that shit but every morning when I head to the studio, there's this disgusting smell in each of the studio rooms. At first I was perplexed how a room could smell so foul every morning but then i was later informed by the very efficient management that we're a 24 hour studio and that some people actually work throughout the night in most of the suites.

The dimwits that they are, they sit in that same room with the AC running at full blast cause the machines need cooling and keep farting around, quite literally, till the morning and man does it stink in the morning. First of all cause we have split ac's which circulate air inside the room and secondly cause all these guys working in the night subscribe to some hardcore channa batura or whatever. Yabbaaaaa!!

Its disgusting man. Every morning I keep the door open for 20 minutes and load up the Pot Pourri in my suite with that car perfume thing and yet it doesnt help. It eventually leaves the room in about 2 hours or so. Fuck shit.
And I was unfortunate enough to enter one of the suites in the night to check on some files that I had to check up on not only is wind emitted from the anus all night long, the guy at the machine was burping his ass off.. ewwww

I hate people who gas around! They fucking piss me off.

Sensational

For fucks sake, someone's goto put a sock in it.

I've been in Mumbai for the last couple of weeks and this place is fucking flooded. Like i aint talking bangalore kinda floods. I am talking hardcore floods. Mumbai style. Something on the lines of what hit the city a couple of years ago.

I had to wade through 4 feet of water to get my ass back home after the office was shut and all bookings cancelled thanks to the non-stop rain we've had here in this city for the last 48 hours or so.

Sure the conditions in the city suck and piss me off to no bounds. But beyond all that, I just hate how the media has to fucking sensationalize everything. I've been watching the news often enough to realize that the monsoon was dawning on us and fast. They made so much fuss about it before it hit that they kept bringing it up all the time in every news segment.

Why i even bothered to tune into the news is beyond me. I guess it was just entertaining to watch those dimwits of producers trying to milk every possible news source. When the first rains hit the city and there was the obvious flooding in the lower lying areas, one nitwit of a journo, obviously dictated by his superiors to go and get wet in the rain and to make a story out of it decided to call up one of the guys who is part of the MMRDA or whatever that controls the civic amenities and ask them about the floods.

He kept asking that guy on the phone "Bolo sir, eh aisa floods kyun ho rahae hai" to which that guy kept answering in english - "They are low lying areas which are below sea level and they re bound to be flooded cause the water has no where to go. We've employed pumping the water out into the nearby drains, but its taking time cause the rains havent stopped yet" to which the journo says "But why is it happening? Why arent the pumps working?"

Like what the fuck. How should that guy from the MMRDA know? He's doing all that he can. I mean i dont support the MMRDA fellow or anything. But it was pretty obvious that fucking journo had nothing better to do than to try and make a story out of it. And it was also pretty obvious he was failing miserably. I am sure everyone who watched that segment laughed at home.

I mean i was speaking to a friend of mine the other day who told me a startling fact. Apparently, the CNN or some huge ass news network like that had just 65 Breaking News segments in all of 2006. We in India had 665 in the same year. I mean if you have dumbfucks like that Bhatia or wahtever the fuckia kid who ran some marathon and then lost his breath making the Breaking News, what else do you expect from our fucking news agencies.

First it was the newspapers, now it the news as well.

Moving right along, the rains in Mumbai dont seem to want to stop at all. I can vouch for a fact that any city which recieves this much rain continously wont know how to dispose of this much water coming down on it. Let alone with the added problem of having dumbass Bihari and Bangladeshi people coming and living on the streets and clogging up all the drains with their mess and also the huge number of illegal shops constructed on the drainage and their mess which eventually leads to all the drains being blocked which in turn causes these floods in the first place.
S.M. Krishna is at the heart of things here as well too. Wonder what he's upto. Again on today's news, he seemed to be pretty aware of the fact that it was raining as he replied "I can see it and feel it too. Sure Mumbai is flooded. I'll make sure the concerned departments who are responsible for their areas are questioned"

And then what Mr Gov? Will you sentence them to a session of spanking?
The media needs to rest, so does this city's governor

Pappa Ji

haha
Mumbai amuses me.
I love this city for what its worth.

So today, I was out the whole day waiting for my bike to arrive at this place somewhere far away from Mumbai and I particularly asked for it to be delivered there cause then I wouldnt have to pay OCTROI TAX (if thats how u spell it) and just ride my bike around this place on the sly. I mean its 11 fucking percent in this city and when your bike is pretty darn valuable, its going to cost you one of your nuts to afford just the octroi. So fuck it, i am taking the sly way out.
Its not like i havent paid Life Time Tax. Then what the fuck is Octroi uh? Bastards.

Anyways, so while I was waiting, my cousin deserted me cause he had a prayer meet to attend to and I was left with his 350cc and a helmet. I did the next most interesting thing that came to my mind in a place called Ghatkoppar - I hit the fucking Internet Cafe.

So when i got there, i signed myself in and the first pissing off thing happened. This small 13 year old boy came in there and asked the internet cafe man for a computer. Before saying anything else, he asked "Bhaiya, iddhar Orkut chaltha hai nah?"

What a dumbfuck. How stupid of him. I mean first of all his hormones must be going nuts cause he needs to go down to the local internet cafe to check orkut everyday and the wait and walk till there must be killing him. He probably has Mandy and Susan from Portugal as friends and who will also be more than willing to put up enough pics of them wandering around their house in very comfortable clothing to please Mr. 13 year old. But all that aside, what a dumbass he must be. For the last few days, a certain cult in Mumbai which rhymes with ... fuck it doesnt rhyme with anything!!
Ok, lets just say, we all know of them men in orange and they cause a lot of rukkus for no good reason. So them. They have been going around all over Mumbai and threating cyber cafe owners to ban Orkut use or they'll have to do that on their own terms. And all this because some shithead of a person who wants to be cool started a community on Orkut called "I HATE THEM (replace them with men in orange)"

So like fuck man, what a dumbass 13 year old no? Why chumma proclaim to the world what your going to do. I never went to a cyber cafe when i was 14 and told that in charge bugger that i wanted to surf porn. I just opened multiple windows and mIRC to disguise my porn windows. haha.

Getting back to the whole situation, like big deal man. Even Google is apparently investigating all this crap. Like who cares man. Delete that fucking community and get off orkut. It sucks now anyways. So do all other networking sites. Get in touch with the people in person if you have to. Like, isint that the whole point anyways? Either that, or you fight with the men in orange and get ass whopped unnecessarily. They'll hunt your fucking ass down and make mince meat out of it. Trust me. Its scary.

Moving on to Pappa Ji. So after I smirked about that dumbass kid and he went away with his bag full of hormones, this annoying little voice came from behind me and it said "Pappa Ji, doosra level daalo nah, woh mountain waaala"
I was like gawwkkk, what the fuck is that. See mins, its this small boy who's the son of the owner cause he was sitting on the admin comp and was yelling his ass off like it was his pop's place. It was!

I thought he'd say it once and shut up about it. But the fucking little twit went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about it. Like "paapaa ji, woh mountain waala daalo nah" or some other shit like "Pappa ji, woh second waala level daalo" indicating to his fucked up panzy ass dad to take him from the first level to the second level which his dad was miserably failing at considering how many times that small lil` twit kept saying it.

And all this for what, one of those fucked up flash games. Like fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!
I got so annoyed with that kid that i wanted to pull his fucking windpipe out of him and strangle him with it. That pappa ji fucking pissed me off the most. Why cant it just be papa. Fuckkkk!! Then too not papa, its paPPa for him, like ugh!

He deserves to goto hell.
I got my bike and it rides like a dream. Infact, if i could go back there, it'd ride like a dream over that small lil` twit also.

So much for blowing money on Auto from no on. Woohooo. Orange men zindabaad!

Ganta

Oh hoo
Northy i've become?

I need Photoshop for the mac, someone send me a copy. Fast. Otherwise no photos for you guys.

Anyways, so lets get back into the grind now, shall we?

So, like I said, I am in this new city and all.
A few days back, I started to study a course here in Mumbai. My classes are from 8am in the morning to 11 am in the morning. Now what the fuck am I doing enrolled into a class so early in the morning, I dont know myself, but on my way out in the morning, I noticed something that pissed me off so much that i felt like ... errm, writing this blog.

Before i get into it, please note, I cant read Hindi and neither can I care less to learn. I also hate travelling by bus.

But lets just say I have to and have no choice. But you know what, in Mumbai, I cant. And you know why? Cause the fucking buses here in Mumbai only carry bus numbers in Hindi or Marathi or whatever the fucki.
Like seriously man, what the fuck do they expect people from other cities who come here to do with no knowledge of hindi. Let alone, get fucked by the million autorickshaw drivers who only believe in conversing in Hindi, they wont even make it easy to travel by bus.

Imagine my plight. First day in mumbai, headed from my dreaded 8am class at 7:45 and I cant read the bus number. Fucking shit. Its like i've landed on mars. They have the fucking bus number plates in english - MH whatever bullshit. Then why the fuck cant they have a small number written on the BUS NUMBER thing in english too? Sure, cater to the masses, have it written in BIGGER FONT SIZE in hindi. But for fucks sake, put one small indication in English as well.

Now for all you dickheads who'll get on my case for not knowing the matra bhashe and all that, piss off. I dont want to waste another good 5 years of my life learning a script i'll never end up using. If you didnt notice, I know english and this blog is published in english. So is the bus number plate.

The whole reason we adopted English for our number plates is cause if you travel say from one state to the other, you cant expect people to know how to read your fucking script. Whereas everyone can read the basic english alphabet and numbers atleast. Be kind dumbasses, have a small, even tiny print of the bus numbers in english as well.

What happens to that malayalee boy who lands here from Kerela. He wont know Marathi and he'll sound damm funny trying to converse in Hindi. Haha!