Wednesday, January 25, 2006

How do you like them PINEAPPLE



So yeah, just to clear the air, Will says "How do you like them apples" in Good Will Hunting.

Anyways, I went on a location hunt recently to this place called Talakad. Don't know if any of you guys have even heard of this place, but its an awesome place. Atleast used to be an awesome place. Shit loads of sand and some really nice temples and stuff. But that's all gone. Some 300 lorries keep coming there everyday and loading up their trucks with sand to take and sell in the city apparently. Now all the sand is gone and there aint no sand left to stare at.

But then again, that's not the point about this post either.

On my way back from there, I spotted a small cart with some 30 pineapples alright. So I stopped by and picked up 5 to bring back home. There was not much that I hated about pineapples before today when I actually sat down and thought about them and how many things actually piss me off about pineapples.

First of all, they are a fucking expensive fruit alright. They cost anywhere between 15-20 bucks a fruit, which means that you'll end up paying a minimum of 2-3 rupees for each 5mm slice, which amounts to almost nothing considering that you are a huge alpha male yourself.

Then, there's no way of telling if the fruit inside is actually over ripe or not ripe at all cause the color of the skin is not really helpful with the fruit is what I've learnt from experience. It'll look the same, smell almost the same and yet be sour most of the time. Fucking pissing off that you cant really figure out which one to choose from the lot. Bastard fruit.

To make matters worse, once you buy it, you goto bring it home and tediously remove the skin off the fruit. Its like a fucking cactus. Who the fuck wants to eat a cactus. Its even got an odd thorn or two just to piss you off even more. You cant really eat the center of the fruit also cause that's the part that kinda tickles your throat. So you goto just eat around the center portion or chop it off completely. Which in relative terms means you've paid 15-20 bucks for extra skin that you cant eat and some stupid painful middle portion that has no usage value at all.

In addition to all that, you cant really store the fucking fruit. You goto eat the whole thing right away. If you put it in the fridge, it'll taste almost like crap the next day. If you leave it out, it'll turn kakka brown the next morning and will be all soggy and soft and you wont even go 5 feet close to it.

And to sum it all up with the mother of all piss off's, if you have tonscils like I do and you happen to eat the fucking fruit just before you goto sleep, you'll end up lying down in bed and trying to clear your throat by making ugly sounds like "khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr" x 3 and other sounds that rhyme or resemble just that. Eating that center portion like I mentioned above will only make matters worse. You will also try to plug your ears with your two index fingers and do some vague stuff with your tongue to try and get all the stupid feeling out of your throat. It wont work. It will only keep getting worse. You'll end up feeling like crap and will go watch Shaktiman.

So remind me again, why go through all the trouble? For just 30 grams of bliss? I think I'll pass.

"Mama, go cut the pig tied in the backyard and make me some sarpotel and sannas.."

19 comments:

vsqz said...

I can related to the clearing the throat after eating a pineapple. Who knew eating a fruit could be so complicated.

Whoosh said...

Seriously, u do put in a lot of thought before eating stuff, dont u!!!

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahahahaha ...

Anonymous said...

ey that anonymous wasnt me ok..., & ushu.... even u know 'kakka' spelling! he he..

-sursurbatti.

The Dalda said...

wassup mababy. dont eat pineapple and all yo. just belt the shit out of chickens. they were created by god just to feed others. just belt them i tell u. dont spare even one ya. i mean, chickens r meant to be eaten. they were not born to be some comp engg na. super chickens r.

if u r eatin fruits, stick to bananas and apples. they r easy to eat n digest.

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

hi there... read all the posts u had on this one page. i'm a fucking northie as u said it. but seriously i can relate...there r too many mallus in delhi man...tell u wat...lets meet mid way..like mp or something...u send over all d punjus and i'll trade all the mallus. whaddya say??

Dr. Pissed said...

vsqz: heh that throat thing totally sucks dont it? I hate it to bits man.

whoosh: no, I put in all that thought after eating the fruit, in the night, while i was feel miserable in my room. All the misery caused by three slices of a pineapple.

anon 1: continuation dots are so much the in thing right now... hahahahahahaha... leave a name no... please...

susur: hehe ironically kaakha kaakha :)

dalda: i dont eat meat anymore da. Thu only!

Ms. Long Nickname: Your not a fucking northie if your not living in my city and cribbing about it at the same time. Your just a NORTHIE otherwise. About the mulls and all, feel free to ship them wherever you want. I am not sending a single punju chick though. Punju chicks are hot. You can take all the guys..

silverine said...

I hate Pineapples!!!!

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

man ur like becker on a bad day...a really bad day...u really rant...gawd. still..its fun to read :-) i love pineapples...:-))

btw, ur tagged. with the whole story with selected words thing i had to do too. dorp by mine to get the details won't ya :-)

Roopa said...

hey mallus arent all bad hahah. I hate pineapple... even cocktails which have the canned version - which is most of the fruity ones - yuck!!!

Alice said...

i love pineapple salad.. with chunks of cheese.

And now I'm hungry.. Confound it all! BAH!

ladyparadox said...

ah alice... thats the only way to eat pineapple man. yummmmm.... otherwise, pineapples are a pain to eat.

Dr.pissed: i'm gonna post this on my blog. gonna give you full credit though. :) full on PR, eh?

Angel said...

Hey I just tagged you with the 'tell me 20 things about yourself' thing.

I know you're not fond of tags, even I am not...but just maybe do a post about how tags piss you off!! :))

Vaibhav said...

but on the bright side...

its a good weapon in a food fight...




Which is more than you can say for the grape...

smokieswamy said...

Man, so much ire on a bloody dumb pineapple, But sure makes a good read. dun go cuttin the damn pine into pieces of 5 mm to relish it, y dun u jus cut it up how eva u want too and jus juice it out in a juicer man,wit a dash of peppa n salt n suga n u can keep in in the fridge too :) but yeah the middle part is really irritatin n for that irrtation in the throat, the peppa will do the job n u will like the pineapples too :) keep goin Dalda. Ur posts r a treat.

Dr. Pissed said...

Dude, I aint dalda man
Dalda is at zedalda.blogspot.com

This is me. Then!
thu :(

smokieswamy said...

oooooooops big misunderstanding. Sorry bout that Pal. Keep Goin DP :)

the mallu said...

i like them pineapples.... the fruit is worth the itchy throat....

Finch, Scout said...

i know what you mean.
i soooo do.

transporting the fruit is fucking irritating.
those bloody vendors have those ultra thin, poke and will tear level polythene bags. so when you put that an-anus in the bag, it'll tear.

next thing you know, you're chasing the fruit before it falls in the gutter.

(yes. experience.)