Friday, June 09, 2006

Welcome Aboard!

Ok, so this post is for a friend who's been waiting to read this for a while and is at home doing nothing and is getting some much needed rest (I guess)

This is a pretty outdated post, but I've been meaning to write about this crappy airline for a while now. Just haven't found the time. Now, I used to fly pretty often to Mumbai and back on work, almost 2-3 times a week. I would be out of town on work most of the time cause the industry that I work for demands that we travel a lot.

Anyways, I've never ever flown Indian Airlines before the dreaded day that I didn't manage to catch any other plane back home and had to fly with the airline only cause I had important material to get back to the office the same night. I wouldn't have really had a problem with Air Deccan even, but IA is an airline that I'll stay away from after what happened on that fateful night.

So there I was, done with my work and it was some 7:30 in the night and I had an open ticket booked on IA cause the rest of the planes were full and had already left. The fine folk at my office apologized profusely for giving me a ticket on IA instead of any other airline, but then again, its not their fault. All the other airlines were booked to the brim and had already taken off as I mentioned earlier.

I went to their counter and my flight was at some 8:30 types. I waited in the queue for a while and then got my boarding pass. I requested for a seat on the Emergency Exit, which btw all the other airlines I have flown wouldn't have any problem giving to me cause I am bloody tall, this airline refused. I am almost sure it wasn't full and I was like one of the first 20 people to collect my boarding pass, yet that bitch sitting across the counter, who I am sure was eating paan on the sly, didn't like my face or my hair or something and just refused to budge. So I settled for a seat right behind the emergency exit which is seat no. 13 on most airlines again since I couldn't fight that fat ugly cow with blood red lips.

After a while, having just picked up something to eat from that ONE STALL that they have at the airport for some ridiculous amount of money, I look up and notice that there is a 30 minute delay mentioned next to the IA Flight to bangalore. I looked outside the huge glass panes that they have there are terminal 1A and I could see that our plane had landed and I kept wondering what really caused the delay. None the less, I called the office to inform them that they should send the cab a good hour late cause of the delay.

It was approximately 9, when that stupid guard at the exit door yelled out that the plane was ready to board or whatever crap. So all of us got up and went and parked our asses on the planes in our respective seats. Everyone began to sweat. Now that's odd, aint it? Your not supposed to fucking sweat on an airline cause they have the airconditioning working. Now I am no snobby bitch or any of that jazz and will even sleep on the floor if I have to, but don't expect me to sit in a fucking capsule for 1½ hours with everyone from Mr. Fat-Pig-Businessman from Pune to some other dickwart from Ahmedabad eating their meals and breathing/farting/burping/whateverthefucking inside the same capsule as me. I mean, its not like I could slide open the windows or something. The plane was a fucking time bomb waiting to explode cause of all theperspiringg and dirty smells of people taking off their shoes on the plane (which btw is another thing that pisses me off a lot about Mumbai flights back home)

I called the air hostess, another one of those fat ugly cows whodon'tt even deserve to sellpharmaceuticalss at Cash Pharmacy came up to me and asked me what the matter was. As if shedidn'tt fucking already know. Anyways, so i told her, "pardon me for calling you, but if youdon'tt already notice, it is getting rather hot in here. Could you maybe have the airconditioning turned to a lower temperature maybe" to which she said, "I'll let the captain know". Oh wise decision bitch. Instead of having him fly the fucking plane, get him outside the cabin to fix the airconditioning.

Anyways, after a while, while we were stuck in a traffic jam on the taxiway, everyone began to fan themselves with the free DNA newspapers that they scam at the airport. Everyone began to complain and the captain got on the radio and announced to all of us in a bold and very clear voice. He said, "Good evening passengers" - (fuck your good evening and just get on with it you dickwart, its getting hotter by the minute and wedon'tt like it), "we are having some technical problems with the airconditioning" - (fuck yeah, its not working maybe) "Once we areairbornee, it should get cooler. Kindly bear with us" - (holy fucking crap, he's even more psycho than that fat cow. He's going to come out and open all our windows or break them down with his fancy Indian Airlines belt buckle)

Everyone burst out laughing cause it was hilarious. Everyone wondered why in this world we all even decided to fly with them. I mean how in this living world could they justify taking off with a technical problem? What if the air conditioning blew the fucking engines and we burst into flames cause of their technical problem? They (the IA people inside our aircraft)didn'tt seem to mind. They were too busy heating coffee and dinner. I am sure everyone fastened their seat belts nice and tight and said a prayer.

Nowdon'tt get me wrong, I most certainly hate this airline andwouldn'tt suggest any of you fly it. It just sucks beyond compare and the food is a good 4 days old, no matter who you are and how much money you've paid for your ticket. For the life of me, I promised that day that I'll walk to Mumbai if i have to, but never put up with them ever again!

Them fucking cows.. I am sure haracry is one of those fat ugly air hostesses!


haathi said...

i flew with jet airways last night. from bombay. they've begun to majorly suck as well.

flight was supposedly 20 minutes late, they took the trouble to inform me 24 hours in advance. got to the airport which is ok. but the waiting lounge is like VT station, with the northies sprawled all over on the floor due to the lack of seats in the TINY place. every airline has some 467905468 flights a day and only 63 seats in that lounge. the northies dont take time to think before they squat, open their khana and chai and kurkure and all that crap. stink up the place, throw their litter away, wash bottles and spoons IN the lounge by a pillar, sit down and breast-feed their babies..all in the same place.

then my flight was an hour late because theres a traffic jam in the skies and everyone is delayed and running late and not arriving in time. finally we get on the plane..only to wait some more, while the pilot proudly announces "we're now 3rd in queue to take off".

the food is the pits. ONE piece of chicken tikka, some YUCCKY peas and cheese quiche thing, some funny green turd-like veg cutlet and one plasticy gulab jamun dunked in mango kheer or some such shit. it was bloody aweful. and i was ravenous from all that waiting and refused to pay 40 bucks for a dry and stale and crumbly cheese sandwich in the lounge. bah!

Anurag said...

All airlines are going through tremendous growth and hence the problems. Hope better customer service will be here again soon.

I work with Air Deccan. Happy Flying.


Tha Dalda said...

how paapa. so sad ya. its ok, next time when u get to bby, take the cycle. attach one waterbottle in the basket in front of the handle, adjust the rear view mirrors and tune up ur bell. add grease to the cycle chain and the ball bearings if u must. take dubbi from mom for lunch on the way. enjoy ur next trip to bby.

akshay said...

I wanna fly Kingfisher. The models are [drool] or so I hear.

In other news, haracry is back and now he's spamming my blog. His mom, the airhostess, should keep him in check.

haathi said...

my dad flew kingfisher one very turbulent evening. the airhostesses skirts were a litle too short and tight for their own good, constricting movement, hence causing them to lose balance and fall. haha.. but their food is quite edible. unlike fuckall jet. i got ONE piece of chicken tikka with some veggie crap in my NON VEG SNACK.

Dr. Pissed said...

Now Kingfisher aint that bad, so arent most of the other airlines that are flying our skies off late, but IA is just going to the dogs. Anyone I've met who's flown IA hasnt had anything good to say about the stupid airline..

I dont like them Kingfisher (the airline that I flew the most) airhostesses much. Think they look ugly beyond compare. But they're definitely better looking then those cows on IA. Another thing I realized about Kingfisher cause of all the frequent flying is that they have pre-recorded programmes that are played on the Entertainment Systems on board. Its just updated once a fortnight i think. I was even lucky to get to listen to the Dead a few times just before we landed.

and haathi to answer your question, its the media industry that I used to work for.

Bluefrogtribute said...

Well wat the hell i just sleep in an airoplane journey after i get my meal, Not that i fly so often like certain entities (Dr. Pissed). I had some revenge i think i flew IA dont know where to but en route to somewhere, So anyways i dont think it was IA cause it was 14 hours flight or less. So anyways i got drunk and puked and never flushed properly. SOme revenge huh.

I hope u read this haracy i bet u were the lucky scum, impotant little bitch who was made to clean my puke... Hope u enjoyed it

Cause i sure did making ure job hell.
Fucking haracy rat who did not reply to any of questions and acts smart retard swin. Hope u roast well shit face.

Alice said...

How are you attracting these "Haracry" personalities?! Do you invite them to make guest appearances every once in a while?! Bizarre thing he/she is...

silverine said...

ha ha ha the friend who is sitting at home is rofl and recuperating well thank you :)))))

The Emergency Exit mah cherie is for payseengers!!! Goththa? Swolpa adjust maadi and take the IA officers to dinner to book the seat next time.

Once when I complained to the hostess about the air conditioning she told me tartly that if I had AC at home I would appreciate the troubles it gives. I told her equally tartly that I had an AC in my room and it didn't need to be airborne to be working. Madam Air Hostess was taken aback.

The whole attitude sucks. They think we are some kind of lowlife that has crawled into their hallowed aircrafts.

btw hilarious post!!!

Archana Nathan said...

I was wondering how this airline and its service was not on your 'things that piss me off' list......
I agree with you......they are terrible....especially the food...!

Anonymous said...

You are so fluent with abuses...Seriously you have a fat chance of winning a swearing contest..But being patient is a virtue in its own right...You don't own the world and whether you like it or not...You have to accept it!!

Anonymous said...

And what do we have here...Comment moderation...Only you get to bitch!
Way to go

Dr. Pissed said...

Blu bro: heh

alice: I have no idea ya. Some wannabes trying to get some attention. Anyways, screw them. Hows work?

silverine: heh, all the other airlines dont mind giving me those seats man. Its only these dickheads who seems to have a problem. Anyways, I couldnt stand the aircraft for various reasons as well. So lets leave it at that. Nice retort to the hostess btw.

archana: Your back :) Even i kept wondering why the name wasnt on my list. Anyways, it sure is now.

anonymous (x2): Sure I dont own the world, but I definitely own the ground that my two feet stand on. So I'll rant, appreciate, abuse, profess whatever the fuck I believe in. I aint writing about the Universal truth or any of that crap. This is merely a list of all the things that pissed me off. Someday, I am going to read back this blog, print it out if I can when I have nothing else left to do and laugh at all the things that pissed me off over the years. Comments like yours will only make it even funnier cause you just dont get the point. I get to bitch cause this is MY blog and you are free to do so on yours, once you register I guess. And moreover, the comment moderation is on cause I dont want any more of this personal rifts happening on this blog. Anyone who wants to attack me personally is free to do so by stopping me on the road and assaulting me with a rifle.


Please note: as long as you guys have a valid point, it'll get published.

Pinkbury said...

Wow is this a co-incidence or what?? I was thinking about the same thing... I totally agree with the smells on the flights. What the fuck is up with that?? People taking of their shoes, eeks..
Even Britany Spears got sued for taking her shoes off on a flight.

I prefer KF, if only they could serve the beer on flight...sigh

Pooja Vijay said...

oh cool..i didnt even know something like comment moderation existed!!
yeah well..once i travelled in jet..
and they had the funniest captain ..
who spoke in this french accent or something..and he kept saying terra firma..

Loonie said...

all airplanes suck. generally coz people cannot give up the following.
-Burp aka barf
->Wearing stinky socks
->Eat..err..binge eat

ride a cycle. take a bus. or take the train.or take Kingfisher. Nice seats and models!:D you will forget all the miseries of the world.

dee iyer said...

break the windows with fancy buckle ...

yes.. that was quite sweet

Ketaki said...

haha... ive heard a lot of complaints abt IA, but this is the first time ive heard of no A/c n the cap'n sayin it'll get better once you take
now THAT is fuckin funny!!

Manu said...

Sri lankan air is the worst of the lot - they served the entire flight non-vegitarian food, until i pointed it out. then they served everyone vegetable sandwiches. Then, i realised they hadn't provided me with a life jacket, and we were flying over the ocean. Despite my repeated requests, they didn't do anything about it. NEVER AGAIN.

akshay said...

Just realised, the cap'n saying the A/C will feel better once youhave taken off is true. The APU which powers all electrical devices on board is used majorly for ground control. Once you're in the air it goes to non-critical functions like aircon etc...

But still, IA sucketh.

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

dude i laffed so hard when i read this....had a nasty experience with air sahara about a month back and i wrote about it then...

silverine, u rock.

Rodent said...

Good post man!

Just because I dont trust IA planes, I try not to fly often, you never know when their AC fans blow out and hit the plane on which I am travelling.

Our Laloo bhais train is better. I always have time whenever i travel, i prefer 1st class AC, atleast they treat you like kings :)


Divya Chakravarthy said...

Nothing can beat Air Deccan at being crappy!!